are you still reading? « Okay, Fine, Dammit

are you still reading?

May 11, 2008 by Maggie, dammit

After a hiatus, you’d love to come back with a bang. You’d love to hit one out of the park, write the most breathtaking treatise anyone has ever read. Unfortunately, tonight I can barely string these words together, and I hope you’ll forgive me for it. I just needed a place, I just needed a brief second, to catch my breath. To spit some of this poison out where its less damaging to my innards.

I’m overcome by fatigue, by sadness. I’m shuffling through my disappointments like tattered confetti on the floor, like his ashes, spread from an airplane flown low over our town on Friday night. I can’t escape the haunting and sorrow and bitterness in the air all around me. Worse, I’m trapped in the bell jar with all of this, stuck suffocating in some kind of sick snow globe.

I don’t understand people who live in small towns and think their actions are not witnessed, their lies not recorded. I don’t understand how so many people can snap their marriages apart with the effortless ease of stepping on twigs. I don’t understand why I’m feeling so used. I don’t understand incessant racial slurs in front of children. I don’t understand drunken name-calling over the phone. I only understand this: Given enough time, nearly everyone will disappoint you.

Most of the time I appreciate it all so very much, this world in all its painful, breathtaking glory. I swear I do. But sometimes I’m paralyzed, wounded, petty. Sometimes I can’t stop feeling sorry for myself, can’t stop ranting in my head at those I feel have wronged me. And those who haven’t, those who never do — these three beautiful creatures I’m incredibly blessed to share a home with — can’t do a thing to make it better. Not for all the sticky kisses, the breathy mother’s day wishes, the grubby fisted dandelion bouquets in the world — and that is what hurts the most.

Posted in What - you don't have a diary?, apparently I'm in a mood, areyoufuckingkiddingme?, bitchy bitchity bitch, confusion, depression, medication, posts I'll probably delete tomorrow, so spent, there's an elephant on my chest, you might have better luck at one of those blogs listed | Tagged anger, bitterness, depression, disappointment | 54 Comments

54 Responses to “are you still reading?”

on May 11, 2008 at 8:41 pm1 Sue

Oooof - it shouldn’t be so depressing to come to the realization that people are flawed. That our friends and loved ones will let us down. That we, as a people, are so far from perfect, and so far from “normal”.

But, it is.

Depressing.

Just remember, I love to listen, and NOW, I have really awesome wine.
on May 11, 2008 at 9:00 pm2 QT

Sorry, babe. I have these days, too, where it seems like there is so much bad stuff and not enough good. I wish I could tell you I’ve found a cure, but I am a wallower and sometimes what I need is a good, long soak in it and then I’m done. You can always call me, sweets.
on May 11, 2008 at 9:30 pm3 Natalie

I can’t make everything right, but I wanted to stop by and say that I miss you.
on May 11, 2008 at 11:48 pm4 karey m.

in the words of uncle sugar {or was it telly savalas?}…who hurt you , baby?

keep the nice ones near, jackasses far, and take care of you. really, take care of you.
on May 12, 2008 at 3:19 am5 Duck of Happiness

Wow. I certainly hope this passes quickly.
on May 12, 2008 at 3:24 am6 Lara

I’m here reading whenever you’re here, with or without a bang. This is your space to use as you need.

I wish I could help in some way. You give so much of yourself in your writing that people can’t help but care about you.
on May 12, 2008 at 5:48 am7 Miss Britt

I’m hoping I’m misreading this. I’m hoping, for you, that it can’t possibly be as bad as it seems right. now.

But if I’m wrong… I’m here.
on May 12, 2008 at 7:29 am8 Xbox4NappyRash

Small towns, I believe, are no more likely to house these horrible things than anywhere else.
Unfortunately the small town microscope has a much stronger lens.
on May 12, 2008 at 7:58 am9 Chanda

Oh Maggie, Im so sorry. Sorry that you are feeling the brunt of the cruelty that this world can spew, and that the joys of life have ducked behind the dark clouds of depression. For now. But I am also sure you will find your way back; you are a strong beautiful woman, and your writing here touches a lot of people. Myslef included. So it’s the least I can do to send you a virtual hug, assure you Im definitely still here, and offer an ear or a shoulder if you need one.
on May 12, 2008 at 8:30 am10 Cheryl

You have no idea how much I hear you on this one. And I’m grateful that you were able to express it in such a succinct & honest manner. Hang in there, somehow, sometime it HAS to get better. Right?

Big hugs!
on May 12, 2008 at 8:38 am11 ben

I’m so sorry. Hope things are looking better soon…
on May 12, 2008 at 8:53 am12 Maria

I’m sorry love.
on May 12, 2008 at 9:22 am13 Gypsy

I’m sorry you’re feeling raw and exposed. {hugs}
on May 12, 2008 at 9:50 am14 shari

Oh, but grubby-fisted dandelion bouquets do lessen the blow sometimes.
on May 12, 2008 at 10:37 am15 bandick

Maybe you should try rubbing the dandelion under your chin. Oh wait. That’s just a butter thing.

Did you know that dandelions aren’t native to the Americas? They are European transplants. As were my ancestors — German, primarily. And Scottish/Irish. How about you…?

(Have you forgotten about what’s bummin’ you out yet? ‘Cause I can keep going…

Keep your (yellow) chin up and know you’re groupies love you! Like buttah!
on May 12, 2008 at 10:48 am16 Ryan

Jeez…I agree that, on a long enough timeline, everyone will disappoint you, but I when I hear it from you it sounds like the earth collapsing in on itself.

I hope this is just temporary, sweetie; feel better.

Ry
on May 12, 2008 at 10:50 am17 Angel

I have loved this blog from the very first day I started reading it, and I still love it. I’m getting to know a different life than my own, and let me say you are so very gifted at sharing yours through your words.

Anything you write is a “bang”!

My thoughts are with you, and I hope this works out for the better soon.
on May 12, 2008 at 11:10 am18 jenn

Not sure what to say…

If you can, find solace in the people who “right” you. There’s too many people who “wrong”.
on May 12, 2008 at 11:17 am19 Dad

Don’t worry. Football season is almost here.
Love, Dad
on May 12, 2008 at 12:25 pm20 Lea

Love you Maggs. Sometimes wallowing in necessary for the soul. Quit beating yourself up. And call me - I owe you one. XOXOX
on May 12, 2008 at 1:03 pm21 Kristin

Come to Philadelphia. At the very least, Nutmeg and I could fill you up with beer and soft pretzels.
on May 12, 2008 at 1:23 pm22 donovan

“Pain is part of happiness. That is the deal.”
on May 12, 2008 at 5:16 pm23 Eighty eight

I feel as if you have stepped into my head and wrote these words with my thoughts. I find it so overwhelming to not allow my pessimism or disappointment in others to take over. Given enough time, why do we let ourselves be disappointed…This was so beautifully written, and yet so painful to read, and even more painful to feel. Here’s a cyber hug from me to you.xoxo.
on May 12, 2008 at 5:34 pm24 Maria

I’ve missed you, Maggie, and I hope it gets better. I wanna give you a gigantic bear hug right now.

Love,
Maria
on May 12, 2008 at 6:33 pm25 Aunt Jenn

Ouch. Sorry it hurts so bad right now. Sometimes it’s lovely, although that’s hard to remember.

I love you, and I’m happy to know you, and I miss you.
on May 12, 2008 at 6:59 pm26 amature.gigolo

When life gets you down and starts kicking you, there are a couple of things you can do.

You can lie there, moan and take it.

OR, you can get up and kick back. You can take control of your situation and make the very best of what you have. You can hug your kids just because you love them so much. You can sneak up behind your husband and give him a suggestive pinch on the backside.

My point is life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

We all feel bad now and then. We all get a little down. Whether or not you stay down is up to you. I’m kinda hoping you bounce back really fast. I just found your blog a couple of weeks ago and I don’t wanna lose a cool friend that fast.

All the best.

TAG
on May 12, 2008 at 7:29 pm27 Erika

There’s so much about this post that makes you Bizarro Me.

Cherish the sticky kisses. That’s what matters most.
on May 12, 2008 at 7:50 pm28 Barbara Torris

So here you go…this is a challenge.

http://torristravels.blogspot.com/2008/05/challenge-living-with-happy-heart.html

Just read and see if you are for making your small town better. YOU!!!

b
on May 12, 2008 at 8:45 pm29 Maria

OH YEAH.

Happy Mother’s Day to a fantastic Mom and a just as fantastic woman!

Maggie, you really are the kind of person I want to be when I grow up. I hope your girls realize how lucky they are.
on May 12, 2008 at 9:00 pm30 daddymolson

“People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.”~Dr. Cox from the TV show “Srubs”
on May 12, 2008 at 10:26 pm31 flutter

xo-

from a friend in blogland who is also a real friend.
on May 12, 2008 at 10:41 pm32 Heather

Oh Maggie I am not even going to take a moment to tell you about silver linings. I can tell you what I do.

Yes, lies are caught, marriages fall apart, people are stupid an brutal. I am guilty and innocent, depending on the day or the hour, a martyr or a whore. I have been doing this awful thing in my little soul where I grant myself “bad” as readily as “good” and go with “am.”

Be careful with disappointment it can kill you. If you need to step out of the snow globe…short drive away.
on May 13, 2008 at 12:13 am33 Jill

your words have haunted me for almost a day. no idea what to say except - live, laugh, love … yourself.
on May 13, 2008 at 6:57 am34 arizaphale

I can offer you kitten pictures and virtual chocolate cake. And yeah…having lived in one….small towns suck. Hope the fog lifts soon.
on May 13, 2008 at 8:06 am35 soupisnotafingerfood

Sending virtual hugs and boxes of red wine from the eastern time zone to the central one. Sure wish we could sit down and tap that Winebox and talk it through.

If it helps, I’m living proof that if you keep on waking up each and every day, eventually it gets better. So, hang in there, and keep on keeping on.

And also? Do take Dad’s advice. Football will, in fact, be back soon.
on May 13, 2008 at 8:33 am36 we_be_toys

Honey, life is beautiful and it sucks ass, all at the same time. I know I don’t have to tell you that. So what do we do? Its tempting to just cave in and say, “I can’t fix the world, so why bother?” And sometimes, you have to do just that to survive. But other times, maybe when your cup of life is full, maybe when it needs filling, then its time to give of yourself. Maybe doing a good deed or three doesn’t solve every problem, but if we all put something positive back into the world, without thought of what we get from it, things have to improve. You can’t stop someone else from living selfishly, stupidly , or destructively. All you can do is the best you can with what you got.
(This was no help at all, was it?)
on May 13, 2008 at 9:58 am37 batspit

I’ll just add to the long string of comments here- I love your blog and everything you write bangs. Crunches and clangs even.
on May 13, 2008 at 9:59 am38 Captain Steve

You sound like me on Sunday night. And it sucked.
on May 13, 2008 at 12:25 pm39 noble pig

My dear Chicken Little, the sky is not falling, you will be alright. Please smile.
on May 13, 2008 at 1:06 pm40 Mom

I think there must have been something in the air lately, I had a touch of that same stuff on Sunday night and even Grandma Great had a day of it. But it passes and the clouds part and you begin to see the better parts of life more clearly again. Of course some of your pain is mine, too, both because you hurt and because we share the protagonist… and also the inability to fix him, try as we might. You have done good beyond the call of duty and it will pay in it’s own way. Meanwhile, I could always come and take you for a ride in my Miata some time soon— just call me. I love you.
Mom
on May 13, 2008 at 1:23 pm41 jtj3

I’m still reading. Write for yourself, Maggs…the rest of the world can go–well, you know. Life, work, kids, etc., all take time away from blogging. You write (I write, we write) when we can, and the true friends will still show up and be all interested in whatever’s going on in your life.

Hopefully you’ll get out of the funk soon.
on May 13, 2008 at 1:37 pm42 Shamelessly Sassy

I’m sorry. ” I don’t understand people who live in small towns and think their actions are not witnessed, their lies not recorded.” I live in a small town, and I feel like my actions are recorded and aired on the local news.
on May 13, 2008 at 4:55 pm43 w1kkp

Dear Dammit,

This is the first post I have read of yours, no kidding. A fellow blogger recommended I check you out. Today, I did.

Here’s the really bad news, you didn’t disappoint. I guess you’ll say, given your current mood, “Oh, yeah? Give me time. Nearly everyone will disappoint you.”

So what?

Sentences like “shuffling through my disappointments like tattered confetti on the floor” or “Worse, I’m trapped in the bell jar with all of this, stuck suffocating in some kind of sick snow globe” makes me think I want to be paralyzed, wounded, and petty and feeling sorry for myself just like you. Maybe I’ll write such beautiful sentences too if I just had the proper bile cocktail?

Nah, it doesn’t work that way. Listen, Schopenhauer settled for “Life is a mistake.” He lived in a big town. So, no nirvana there.

Figure out how to let your beautiful creatures make it better even when you don’t believe they can.

Then, write and tell us how you did it, dammit.
on May 14, 2008 at 12:28 am44 Caroline

“……….Given enough time, nearly everyone will disappoint you…………”

How true.

I hope you feel better soon.
on May 14, 2008 at 3:06 am45 magneto bold too

I noticed you weren’t around but I was hoping, hoping that it was just busy-ness.

Oh sweetie, small towns can be wonderful glorious places, but when they suck it is ten fold. Being a fellow small towner, I understand.

Sending you huge cyber hugs. And I don’t do that shit for just anybody you know.
on May 14, 2008 at 4:40 pm46 Jenny, Bloggess

I don’t know what this is about but I will guy whoever hurt you.

Name the place.

Also? Small town drama sucks. This is why I now live in Houston. Come live in Houston. The house next door is empty. My liquor cabinet is full (ish).
on May 14, 2008 at 6:06 pm47 Kat

Hi, Maggie…I read this post three days ago and I’m hoping that you’re feeling better about things by now.

I agree with Jenny that you should come live in Houston! Never mind the unrelenting humidity that has rendered my hair perpetually boingy by the time I arrive at work every day, never mind the KER-RAZY drivers and out of control traffic. I live here. And The Bloggess lives here! We think you should move. And it’s Greek festival this weekend, I dare anyone to stay depressed while surrounded by Greek food, wine, and dancing.
on May 14, 2008 at 8:51 pm48 shay

You are writing what i only allow myself to think in the secret places in my head I think it helps to have a place to write it down. Well I hope it does anyway. I’m counting on that!

I think it’s normal to feel this discouragement, this loss of faith in the goodness of people. My hubby says simply “people are stupid” lol. He’s much less wordy than I am.

Bless ya girl! Hope today is better!
on May 15, 2008 at 11:22 am49 mamatulip

Aw, Maggie. I’m sorry, darlin’. Hope the sun’s shining down on you today.
on May 15, 2008 at 2:38 pm50 Arkie Mama

Been there. But you describe it so much better than I’ve ever been able to.
on May 15, 2008 at 5:53 pm51 Eighty Eight (I think?)

Where’d you go….?
on May 15, 2008 at 9:45 pm52 Eliza

Hey, w1kkp…don’t encourage her.
on May 16, 2008 at 6:36 am53 girlgriot

Hey, Maggie–
I’ve been on a bit of reading hiatus myself. Hope this week has shown you better days. I’m frustrated and angered by that same list of ugliness … and I’m oddly chilled by the ashes from the plane.

Empathetically (and emphatically), S.
on May 16, 2008 at 4:05 pm54 Angela

Well, I think this post was great. Tough to swallow, but pointed and real. Hope you’re feeling better today. Glad I have your blog in my reader now ; )