I’m huge in Singapore « Okay, Fine, Dammit

I’m huge in Singapore

April 30, 2008 by Maggie, dammit

I keep trying to tell my husband how important I am. This has been going on for years, and I rarely gain any ground. My kids aren’t buying it either, despite numerous attempts on my part to blow my likeness up into an 11×14 so that Hannah Montana (that naked little hussy) has some competition on Gracie’s walls. I’ve even graciously offered to autograph these posters of myself, for free. No takers.

Dave’s always all, “So are you gonna do these fucking dishes already?” and I’m always all, “Excuse me, I have three blog comments I must respond to” and he’s all, “What the hell is a blog? Are you getting paid for this?” and I’m all, “Excuuuuuuse me, but I’m huge in Singapore” and he’s all, “I can’t believe I married you I want out.” Well, not really, but that’s what he means when he says, “I gotta go get a Gatorade quick. Be right back.” You and I both know what he’s really saying.

That’s why it’s so huge when somebody throws me a bone, even if it’s a cyber bone. (And by typing the words “cyber bone” I have just secured a new set of perverted Googlers, poor sots who will be ever-so-disappointed to arrive *here* instead of on Jenna Jameson’s page. Hi pervs! See how that works?)

My point is, I’m now on Alltop. The inventor of the Internet Alltop, Guy Kawasaki, says it’s like a “digital magazine rack.” He also said something about single page aggregations and Nononina and feeds and Truemors and I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about but I’m virtually-nodding like a coked-out woodpecker because I don’t know much, but I do know this: Guy Kawasaki is to the internets what Oprah is to depressing books. So if this Cyber King Midas is laboring under the delusion that my blog should be listed in the newly launched women.alltop.com next to iVillage and I am Bossy well then (HOLY SHIT how long before he deletes me, any betters out there??) let’s just keep feeding that delusion. OK? (Which means you won’t be seeing more posts like this one any time soon. You’re welcome. Please don’t hate me. Please, please come back. Oh God, you totally hate me now.)

So you see?

So what if my family doesn’t think I’m cool? So what if I can’t remember the last time I showered? So what if my house is on Social Services’ watch list? I’ve been Kawasakied.

(p.s. Since you’re all about to flee in droves over this self-important drivel, might I suggest a good blog or two? Check those links on the right — and if you’re not there and you think you should be, please let me know. Adios, patriots.)

Posted in And now even *I* hate me, Liv says blogging about blogging is verboten, aw what the hell, because it's MY blog DAMMIT, bloggityblogblog, bragging, confusion, good lawd I'm an idiot, gratitude, happy, hawking other people's wares, ohmygod, photographic evidence, posts I'll probably delete tomorrow, public service announcements, stalking Amy Sedaris's stalker, well *I* think I'm funny, you might have better luck at one of those blogs listed | Tagged alltop, blogging, guy kawasaki, truemors | 64 Comments

64 Responses to “I’m huge in Singapore”

on April 30, 2008 at 8:42 am1 Captain Steve

I don’t think I understand this whole Kawasaki thing. Miss Britt was all excited because she met him, too. Also, I humbly request to be on your blogroll, please? That would be exciting for me.
on April 30, 2008 at 8:43 am2 distracted spunk

Congratulations on getting posted on Alltop! I’ve never heard of it before now, but that’s a super huge honor. Whoo! (I’d do a dance, but net dances don’t work so well.)
on April 30, 2008 at 8:44 am3 Crystal D

Where can I get one of those 11×14 signed pictures?
on April 30, 2008 at 8:49 am4 Maggie, dammit

The naked ones’ll cost ya.
on April 30, 2008 at 8:50 am5 Jenny, Bloggess

1. I want a signed nude Maggie poster.

2. That looks just like my house, except without the sink ants because they all like to gravitate to my bathroom for some weird reason. Why the bathroom, ants? My pee must be all sugary. Not that I’m peeing on the floor or anything. On purpose.

Oh never mind.
on April 30, 2008 at 8:51 am6 Jenny, Bloggess

I just realized that I always leave comments here with my Bloggess name but then link to my mommy blog. That seems totally psycho. Changing it now.
on April 30, 2008 at 8:52 am7 Maggie, dammit

Yeah, mommies are generally horrified by my blog. You’re missing your demographic.
on April 30, 2008 at 9:23 am8 Chantele

see I told you! maggie = next dooce
on April 30, 2008 at 9:52 am9 we_be_toys

I could never hate you pickle - we’re fraternal twins who were separated at birth! It was only a matter of time before the masses discovered how wonderful you are and climbed onboard, cluttering up your email with adoring letters from shallow sychophants. Even though you’ll forget all about us little people on your climb to fame and (hopefully) fortune, my devotion is as constant as the turning of the earth.
Congratulations on being Kawasakied!
on April 30, 2008 at 9:53 am10 we_be_toys

Besides, you wash the dishes, they’re just going to get dirty again…why bother?
on April 30, 2008 at 10:12 am11 shari

Today is a good day. Now I finally know where magic happens.
on April 30, 2008 at 10:41 am12 Dad

I gotta start a blog.
Love, Dad
on April 30, 2008 at 10:44 am13 jenn

What color matte shall I purchase for my 11X14?
on April 30, 2008 at 11:22 am14 flutter

neat!
on April 30, 2008 at 1:37 pm15 Maria

You know in his email he said I was going up there too. Am I there??? Am I????

*shakes fist*
on April 30, 2008 at 1:41 pm16 Ray

If you’re really looking to spread your bountiful goodness into the world and receive its unconditional gratitude in return, the Mount Horeb Mail is currently advertising for a staff writer.
on April 30, 2008 at 1:54 pm17 Maggie, dammit

Shhhhhhhh, Ray! You just told everyone in Singapore where we live.
on April 30, 2008 at 2:15 pm18 Eliza

Please take the pictures of your house off of your blog before I come over there and Magic Bubbles your ass (again).
on April 30, 2008 at 2:16 pm19 Maggie, dammit

Why do you think I put them up there, dude? It’s like porn for my compulsively clean friends. Come on, you know you want me. Bring bleach.
on April 30, 2008 at 3:05 pm20 noble pig

Coked-out woodpecker? Seriously that made my day.

Just got back from Singapore…saw your headshot on the side of bus…you’re huge dude!
on April 30, 2008 at 3:12 pm21 missburrows

Is there a ladies of the blog world calendar yet? There really should be. Dibs on March.
on April 30, 2008 at 3:14 pm22 Eighty eight

Please add us! I ask with a big smile and an offer to post your 11×14 on our blog! And my compulsively clean friends are on their way…I have too many to name. But I am compulsively normal…ha ha.
on April 30, 2008 at 3:27 pm23 Eighty eight

THANKS FOR THE ADD! You are amazing! Cheers to you!
on April 30, 2008 at 4:14 pm24 Coast Rat

Who is this Guy Kawabunga dude? And why is it so important to please him? Really, the only one you have to please, is YOU, babe! How do I get on your bogroll? Money? Booze? Coked-out woodpeckers? How about I send you a gallon of our lovely ‘love bugs’, they’re baaaaaackk!!! Oy yes, I love you just the way you are…
on April 30, 2008 at 4:29 pm25 Mom

Oh yeah — coked out woodpecker– it doesn’t get any better than that! Except maybe, “Kawasaki is to the internet what Oprah is to depressing books”. I keep telling you you’re the best, but you think I’m biased — ask anyone up there — You are the BEST! (Even the buses in Singapore know that… Keep it up, girl, someday somebody is gonna PAY you for it all…
Love,
Mom
on April 30, 2008 at 5:03 pm26 Lara

I like you even more now. Cause your living room makes mine look better.

Ok, not much better. But a little. C’mon, you can at least give me that much, can’t you?

No? Dammit. Ok, I guess I can still like you.

But I won’t ask to be over there >>> cause I’m too afraid of rejection to say anything like that.

Dammit. I just said something. Ignore it, ok?
on April 30, 2008 at 5:21 pm27 Candance

Okay, I had to check it out because I got confused with the naked Hannah Montana, the pictures of my house you somehow snuck in and took, and Guy Kawasaki that I kept re-reading because I was seeing “Guy’s Kawasaki” and I didn’t know if maybe your husband got a motorcycle before he left you for Jena Jameson. That is what happens to me when I haven’t eaten and all the children are talking to me at the same time while MOMMY IS TRYING TO READ MAGGIE’S BLOG. That’s what I yelled.

Now I’m good and I stand by the assertion that YOU’RE A BAD ASS!!! That’s me yelling again. But not at the children.
on April 30, 2008 at 6:21 pm28 Maggie, dammit

Good Lord, you guys are killing me.

Honestly, are y’all reading Candance’s blog?

Seriously. You need to read that blog.

http://crazytxmommy.blogspot.com.

Good Lord.
on April 30, 2008 at 6:52 pm29 DaisyJo

I’d like to be on your ‘roll, but I’m too shy to ask.
on April 30, 2008 at 7:07 pm30 Candance

Thank you!!!! Not only for pointing people my direction but for saying y’all. I got all misty eyed.
on April 30, 2008 at 8:07 pm31 gretakiki

I just love that your kitchen/living room looks like mine. Except for mine is covered in Littles Pet Shop animals, not ants.

Either way, awesome.

Greta
on April 30, 2008 at 8:08 pm32 Maggie, dammit

Those Littlest Petshop bastards are there, you just have to zoom way in. Trust me, they’re there.
on April 30, 2008 at 8:08 pm33 gretakiki

I meant “littlest”. I’m messy, not illeratate.

Greta
on April 30, 2008 at 8:11 pm34 Maggie, dammit

Has anyone noticed that I am, like, ALL the comments on this post?

Hi Maggie! You’re super!

Thanks, Maggie! Back atcha!

Awesome. That’s great.
on April 30, 2008 at 8:47 pm35 Kristin

DUDE??!!!

Where is the LOVE???????

…and after you add me to your list, will you please explain to me who Guy Kawasaki is and will you also just spend a moment being happy that YOU HAVE A SINK FOR ANTS TO VISIT unlike some of us whose ants have to crawl around on the floor?
on April 30, 2008 at 8:58 pm36 Chris in Happy Valley

Dr. O’C is always trying to make me do tedious things like making sure that Zach doesn’t get eaten my dingoes instead of working on my blog ranking. I’m going to use your post to demonstrate just why it is so important that I work on my blog rather than feeding the kid.
on April 30, 2008 at 9:43 pm37 tysdaddy

I have a Honda. Is that the same thing . . . ?

Nevermind.

Blogroll me, if you dare!
on April 30, 2008 at 9:54 pm38 Heather

All right, I am just going to come out and say it: Maggie, you dumped me for the bloggess. I tried to play it cool, just friends and stuff, but if you’re looking for blogs…um you could take me back.

BTW your house should meet my house…a girl’s gotta have priorities!
on April 30, 2008 at 10:17 pm39 Arkie Mama

Congratulations!

But I’m so confused… who & what is this whole Guy Kawasaki thing? *sigh* Must research. After an ice cream sandwich, maybe…
on April 30, 2008 at 10:25 pm40 Jess

I’m jealous.
on April 30, 2008 at 11:14 pm41 liv

one day i shall hire you to pimp me. until then, i shall suffer the indignity of being a bridge troll with a shitty blogger template and four readers. kthxbai.
on April 30, 2008 at 11:19 pm42 Nora Bee

Hello! You are one funny chick. Congratulations on your major honor and fame. My husband is also perpetually in a mild state of surprise that his internet presence doesn’t buy him more household adoration. I’m all, whatever, you’re huge in nerdy nerd land, there’s the laundry.
on May 1, 2008 at 4:15 am43 Maggie

A’ight. That’s it. You know how you got that whole ~~stalking~~ loving admiration thing going with the Bloggess? Well I’m thinkin’ that you got my name. You got the funnies and you be in the alltop. Time I started ~~following your ass around~~ giving you the love.
on May 1, 2008 at 4:16 am44 Maggie

Oh damn, you got the ants too!
on May 1, 2008 at 6:47 am45 washwords

whoa, you ARE famous. I’m impressed and i dunno even what kawaski’ed is. except isn’t that an SUV or motor scooter or something. Thanks for taking time out of your busssssy celeb calendar to visit me over at humble washwords. I would LOVEEE to be blogrolled by your Holiest Graceness, and I’ll happily be a bridesmaid at your coronation as Blog Goddess ceremony. but I’m not posing nude in the calendar. well… no, I’m definitely not.

huggles, washy

p.s. happy to explain all the mystery in some of my previous posts if ya really want to know, suffice it to say I’m verrrrry glad not to be dating anymore.

p.p.s. I LOVE that your dad comments. you should start “dadables.”
on May 1, 2008 at 7:42 am46 jenn

I can picture Maggie’s dad’s blog now:

“Sure, Whatever, Bitch”
on May 1, 2008 at 9:02 am47 Gypsy

“Alltop”? Sounds like a Jenna Jameson film, right?

My pleasure for your success is only marginally outstripped by my seething jealousy.
on May 1, 2008 at 9:29 am48 hlawnicki aka Heather

Hee, hee. Thanks for taking me back. I promise I’ll remember the flowers for your b-day next time.

Also, I have commited acts of ant genocide lately. I’ll give you my story…unless you’ve adopted them as pets.
on May 1, 2008 at 10:20 am49 kristin wellreadhostess

That’s what I’m talking abouuuuuut.
on May 1, 2008 at 12:13 pm50 Velma

Yeah, I’m big in Japan. USA? Not so much.
on May 1, 2008 at 1:36 pm51 Gwen

Maggie, you’re fabulous! Don’t go changing!

And I was born in Singapore, so don’t go talking smack about it.
on May 1, 2008 at 1:44 pm52 Chanda

Oh dear God, I feel like I should be typing in all caps so you can hear me waaayyy down here at comment # 52. HIIIIEEEE MAGGIEEEEEE!!!!.

Congrats on the major internet props. You certainly deserve it. I promise to keep reading even if Im comment #10524222154.5 Love you that much!
on May 1, 2008 at 1:50 pm53 Maggie, dammit

Nobody should EVER feel like they have to type in all caps for me to see them. I’m horrifyingly obsessed with my comments. I stare at this little box all day long. It’s not possible that I would ever miss you, Chanda, or anyone. Not possible.

Honestly, how much proof do you people need of my self-absorbed-blog-obsessed-compulsive disorder??

I lick your feet. All of you. Lick lick lick lick lick.

Lick.
on May 1, 2008 at 4:27 pm54 Petunia Face

Oh do stop licking my feet, that tickles!

But seriously, congratumafreakinlations! That is awesome. You are awesome. I bow down before your wit and intellect. I want to be you when I grow up, even though we’re probably the same(ish)age or maybe I’m even older than you are. Wait–did that sound creepy? It did, didn’t it? Well you started it with the licking of the feet.
on May 1, 2008 at 6:24 pm55 Jules

You deserve to be on Mr. Miyagi’s list (I still don’t understand what it is, actually) simply because of the phrase “coked-out woodpecker.” And please blogroll me. I’m not too proud to beg.
on May 1, 2008 at 8:07 pm56 Lori

Maggie -
I will never leave you. I am so totally devoted now that I’ve seen pics of your house. I’d post some of mine to make you feel better about yourself but I am just not that strong. Trust me - my house is much, much worse!
Oh, and … um…

TAG !!!

It’s a short, easy one. I promise. And I hope to God you haven’t been tagged with this one already.
on May 1, 2008 at 9:02 pm57 jen

ok you are freaking hilarious.
on May 2, 2008 at 8:48 am58 Angel

I have no freaking clue what AllTop is, but I’m very happy for you and freakishly jealous and did I say I’m happy for you?

They’re all right, you know. You have talent. I love this blog.

I, on the other hand, am not above fucking my blog to the top if you’ll tell me who I need to bang.
on May 2, 2008 at 8:52 am59 Maggie, dammit

HEY.

I never said I didn’t bang anybody.
on May 2, 2008 at 1:49 pm60 nutmeg

I’m not going anywhere. This may be my very favorite post of yours ever!
on May 4, 2008 at 3:36 pm61 that girl

I loved your header and then I read your post… you had me at “fuck.” I love blogs that curse. Keep it real, baby.
on May 6, 2008 at 9:39 pm62 Maria

Hey, I want my Maggie poster.

And screw Singapore. You’ve been huge in Michigan for MONTHS.
on May 8, 2008 at 6:34 pm63 Whiney Momma

Congrats! There is nothing like rubbing your fame into the old family…maybe they will realize that you are totally entitled to hire a housekeeper!
on May 12, 2008 at 7:57 pm64 Barbara Torris

You know what, you are really good. I want to be Kawasakied too.

b